Are The Four Horsemen Of Divorce Present In Your Marriage?

Marriage can be hard work, which is proven to be true by a national divorce rate consistently hovering around 50 percent. One of the core functions of a relationship is communication, and if a couple gets off track, they could be headed for divorce. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman identified four communication patterns that damage relationships, deeming them the Four Horsemen of Divorce. What are these four communication patterns, and do they spell divorce for spouses who can identify them in their marriages? Read on for further discussion on this topic, and if you want to discuss your situation with an Arizona divorce law lawyer, call 480-680-9126. 

Contempt

This is the horseman that the Gottmans identified as the number one indicator that a marriage is likely to end in divorce. A relationship is almost guaranteed to be toxic if at least one spouse feels contempt for the other. Someone who feels contempt for their spouse may roll their eyes when they tell a story, act annoyed when they ask for help, or generally conduct themselves like they believe they are above their spouse. This can lead to reactive conversations, insults being thrown, and a lack of empathy. 

Just because contempt is the top indicator of divorce doesn’t mean that a married couple shouldn’t try to work through it. Pausing before reacting to your spouse with a physical reaction that could be construed as offensive, like a sigh or an eye roll, can help reduce contempt’s strain on a marriage. Spouses trying to work through contempt should make attempts to regularly express gratitude and fondness towards each other. Seeking professional help through a counselor could also help the spouses work through their issues, or decide that it is officially time to call it quits. 

Criticism 

Most people don’t enjoy being criticized, especially in a romantic relationship. That is why criticism is another horseman of divorce identified by the Gottmans. Some people may struggle to identify the difference between criticism and normal complaints and boundary setting within a relationship. The key here is when someone is attacking their spouse’s character instead of focusing on a more specific behavior. For example, if one spouse is angry their spouse didn’t take the trash out, they may call them lazy instead of reminding them or having a calm discussion about household labor division. Another component of criticism is using broad terms like always and never- “you always interrupt me” or “you never listen to me.” There may be truth to what the criticizing spouse is saying, but the delivery makes it harder for the recipient to accept. “I’m disappointed that you didn’t take out the trash,” could be a delivery that helps the spouses avoid a fight and achieve positive results. If you are the spouse who tends to criticize, try to be more mindful of this by starting your statements with “I” instead of “you.” 

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is another barrier to healthy communication, and it could be caused by one spouse’s contempt or criticism. But some people get defensive even when their spouse is communicating their needs in a healthy manner. That is why defensiveness is considered another horseman of divorce. 

When someone is feeling defensive, their first instinct is to protect their ego whenever they feel insulted, rejected, etc. Someone who struggles with defensiveness may make excuses whenever their spouse tries to bring up an issue; a defensive spouse might mention that their spouse forgot to empty the dishwasher last week when asked to take out the trash, even in a polite way. Or they may make excuses, like having a rough week at work or a flare-up of mental health symptoms. The epitome of defensiveness is blaming one’s own actions on a spouse’s behavior. For example, “I only forgot to take out the trash because your snoring kept me up last night.” 

Taking accountability for oneself is a habit that can be extremely difficult to form once someone is well into adulthood. The defensive spouse may need to seek individual therapy to find out why they are so averse to listening to their partner’s needs. Insecurity is a common root of defensiveness problems, and a fear of rejection or inadequacy isn’t something that can be addressed in couples counseling. However, it’s rare for one spouse to be completely at fault for issues within a marriage, so that isn’t to say that couples counseling isn’t worth a try. 

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the act of withdrawing or disengaging when a partner is trying to communicate. Ghosting, or completely disappearing from someone’s life, is the most extreme form of stonewalling, but is difficult to pull off within the context of a marriage. These days, most people can completely withdraw from whatever is happening right in front of them by pulling out their phone. A stonewalling spouse might nod or say, “uh huh,” when their spouse asks them for something, but it is clear that they aren’t really listening. Or, they may respond to every request with a dejected, “whatever you say, honey.” A spouse who is trying to communicate their needs isn’t going to feel important when their spouse acts like this. It isn’t clear to that person that their spouse is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally shut down, rather than they simply don’t care about the situation. Things can spiral if that spouse acts reactively- such as employing any of the poor communication strategies described above- in response to being stonewalled. 

Starting the Divorce Process in Arizona

If one or more of these communication methods are common in your marriage and you’re past the point of trying to save it, it’s time to learn more about divorce and your other legal options in Arizona. Some of the key facts you need to know about starting the divorce process in Arizona are:

• Arizona doesn’t allow joint divorce filings. One spouse files and the other spouse is served. 
• The spouse who files the petition is called the petitioner. The spouse who is served with the petition is called the respondent.
• The respondent has 20 days to respond to the petition if they live in Arizona, and 30 days if they live outside the state. 
• If the respondent fails to file a response in time, the petitioner can be granted everything they requested in the petition through a default divorce.
• The four main issues that must be handled in divorce are property division, spousal support, child support, and child custody. The last two only apply if the spouses share minor children in common. 
• The spouses can negotiate an agreement out of court through a consent decree. Otherwise, their case will go to trial. 
• Every divorce in Arizona has a mandatory cooling-off period of 60 days. 

Experienced Arizona Divorce Attorneys for All of Your Family Law Needs

If the four horsemen of divorce are present in your marriage, it’s either a sign you need to start working to save the marriage now, or that you should begin preparing for divorce. It may help you make your decision to discuss your situation with a skilled divorce lawyer. Our Arizona Family Law Lawyers offer free consultations by phone so you can decide if we’re the right fit for you without coming out of pocket. Schedule your free consultation today by calling 480-680-9126.

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